Act One
Me: Ok Piper, I’m going to let you go outside, but stay away from the tiny part of the yard where I’ve planted things.
Piper: Ok!! (hops on door)
Me: (opens door lets dog out)
Piper: (pretends to sniff normally twice, then beelines to the planted area).
Me: PIPER! PIPER! GET OUT OF THERE!
Piper: (Raises front right paw as if I’ve asked her a math question and she considering the answer)
Me: (Demonic voice) PIPER, get out of there. (Sweetly)Pipppppppper…Come ‘ere, pppppooooooo!
Piper: (Ignore)
Me: (To Del) Del do you have shoes on? Go out and get the dog out of that bed.
Del: (has shoes) Piper- get out of there. Come here.
Piper: (terrible actor and not taking direction, stands still, which she never does in real life and just looks at us inquiringly)
Del: (loud but fake kindly and persuasive like) Dumb dog! COME HERE.
Piper: (slowly, reluctantly leaves bed)
Act Two– hours later:
Piper: Got to pee!
Me: (Lets out dog)
Piper: (Meanders, glances at window to check, goes to planted area, and in case you are wondering, she’s not rolling in dirt, just sniffing around and walking on my plants).
Me: (full volume) PIPER! Good grief! (Spirals into a whirl of deep despair about how futile the tiny human voice is against the stubborn will of nature aka Piper).