Life with Del

Why you should feel sorry for Del, who has to live with me.

Del: Whatcha reading?

Donje: “The Marseille Caper”.

Del: What’s it about?

Donje: A caper that occurs in Marseille.

Alternate Ending: Something happens to this guy.

Alternate Ending: France.

Morning Conversation

Squeak’s Nightly Adventures, A Conversation Amongst Friends

Me: Morning Squeak!

Squeak: Welcome back downstairs!! You won’t believe what happened last night!

Me, ever the gossip: Do tell?

Squeak: I ran through the house 17 times and threw up.

Me, bored: Isn’t that what you do every night?

Squeak: Yeah, but usually I start on the couch and parkour to the chair, but last night—-get this—-I started on the chair and parkoured to the OTHER chair!

Me, humoring him: Wow!

Squeak: Yea, and then I saw a bug. Which I didn’t kill because you know I’m a sadist not a murderer, so I just pulled his legs off and left him in the kitchen for you, right by my hairball.

Me: Oh great, thanks!

Squeak: I’m going to need to knead you now.

Me, resigned: Sigh, ok

A cute black cat with a snaggle tooth

Drama

As presented by Squeak and Piper (A two part play)

Part 1

Dog is hanging out. Cat walks by.

Cat: I bop you on the head.

Dog: Do you want to play?

Cat: No. I just feel like bopping you because you are sub-par and deserve to be bopped on the head. Dog: Do you want to play? Let’s play, can I sniff your butt?

Cat: Oh, heeeeck no, there will be no butt sniffing. I shall growl and swat at you until you flee the room.

Dog: Flees room.

Part 2

Dog: Returns because she is super nosey and fascinated by cat.

Cat: Growl Growl Growl, Swat Swat Swat.

Dog: Wanna play???

Cat: Jumps on chair to stare down at puppy.

And SCENE! Shows at 10:00, 10:05, 10:15, 10:22, 10:27, 10:35, etc. Breaks for lunch and cat nap from 11:00-2:00

The Can-Opener Man

The Can-Opener Man

A love song to Del from Piper and Squeak

It's 5 PM on a Saturday,
The regular crowd rushes in.
There's an old cat sitting next to me
Much to the puppy's chagrin.

Well Squeak is a professional kneader,
Doesn't have the balls for a wife.
His whiskers are wavy; he eats all the gravy;
He's probably inside for life.

Now Piper, on the couch is a friend of mine,
Cleans up Squeak's puke for free.
Quick with a bark, especially in the dark;
There's no place that she wouldn't pee.

Oh, sing us the song, can-opener man,
Sing us a song tonight!
The can-opener plays a sweet melody
And we can't feed ourselves, amiright?

Squeak loves teh Donje


A play in one act.
Squeak: (internally) I want to sit on your lap and knead your belly with my claws.
Donje: Ow! (Pushes off cat).
Squeak: (internally) I want to sit on your lap and knead your belly with my claws.
Donje: Ow! (Pushes off cat).
Squeak: (internally) I want to sit on your lap and knead your belly with my claws.
Donje: Ow! (Pushes off cat).
Squeak: (internally) I want to sit on your lap and knead your belly with my claws.
Donje: Ow! (Resigns herself to have permanent claw marks on her abdomen).
Squeak: (internally) I want touch your face with mine when you try to take a drink of hot coffee, and only then.  At no other time am I interested in your face. (Bumps coffee).
Donje: Ow!
~fin~

The Yard: A play

Act One

Me: Ok Piper, I’m going to let you go outside, but stay away from the tiny part of the yard where I’ve planted things.

Piper: Ok!! (hops on door)

Me: (opens door lets dog out)

Piper: (pretends to sniff normally twice, then beelines to the planted area).

Me: PIPER! PIPER! GET OUT OF THERE!

Piper: (Raises front right paw as if I’ve asked her a math question and she considering the answer)

Me: (Demonic voice) PIPER, get out of there. (Sweetly)Pipppppppper…Come ‘ere, pppppooooooo!

Piper: (Ignore)

Me: (To Del) Del do you have shoes on? Go out and get the dog out of that bed.

Del: (has shoes) Piper- get out of there. Come here.

Piper: (terrible actor and not taking direction, stands still, which she never does in real life and just looks at us inquiringly)

Del: (loud but fake kindly and persuasive like) Dumb dog! COME HERE.

Piper: (slowly, reluctantly leaves bed)

Act Two– hours later:

Piper: Got to pee!

Me: (Lets out dog)

Piper: (Meanders, glances at window to check, goes to planted area, and in case you are wondering, she’s not rolling in dirt, just sniffing around and walking on my plants).

Me: (full volume) PIPER! Good grief! (Spirals into a whirl of deep despair about how futile the tiny human voice is against the stubborn will of nature aka Piper).

Upon Reaching Adulthood

When I was a child I was fascinated by the fact that adults could sit completely still for long periods of time without books or toys. Now when I find myself sitting, staring at a light or into a fireplace and thinking or going over my to-do list, I am super impressed by my adulthood.

Dog vs Pine Cone

*Morning, a play in one act*


Me: You wanna go outSIde?


Dog: YES, I WANNA GO.
(Dog spins in circle in excitement)
(Me opens door, lets Dog out)


Me: Go potty.


Dog: I HAVE PINECONE!


Me: Drop it and go potty!


Dog: I KILL PINECONE!
(Dog shakes pinecone viciously)


Dog: I WANT TO BRING PINECONE INSIDE AND RIP IT TO SHREDS ON YOUR CARPET!
(Dog attempts to enter door)
(Me blocks door with foot, because me is 10 times bigger than little dog that rules Me’s life. Me ponders this. Also, Me is now referring to meself like Cookie Monster.)


Me: Drop it. GO POTTY!


Dog: I LOVE PINECONE!

Me: DROP THE FREAKIN PINECONE AND PEE YOU RAT DOG!


Dog: Never mind, I don’t have to go.


*Fin

Squeak and the Sunroom

A play in one act

The Scene, our living room with an attached sunroom and glass door that divides the two

Me: Oh my, it’s chilly, I must secure the sunroom door.

Squeak: It IS cold out there. I am going to sit here on the back of the couch and touch you gently with my paw, but occasionally I will extend my claws so you really FEEL my presence.

Me: OK. (Closes door). Much better!


Squeak: Wait! (Runs to door and begins scratching with claw to get out).


Me: I will let you out but I’m closing the door after.


Squeak: That’s fine. I have URGENT business out there.


Me: (Lets Squeak out into the sunroom and closes the door).


<<22 seconds pass>>


Squeak: HEYYYYY! HEYYYYY! Let me in, it’s cold as crap out here.


Me: (Lets the stupid cat in) I told you it was too cold out there.


Squeak: (Responds non-verbally by licking his back, which is a cat’s way of saying, “I’m not going to admit you were right, but perhaps I have made an error in my judgement; however, more testing must be done”).𝄇


Fin

Fear of Failure

As a policy maker, I am very comfortable making certain decisions. If you ask me about a Final Account Statement that someone is questioning, our policy regarding late payers, and what to do if you get military orders, I am happy to opine confidently and, if we don’t have a policy, I will draft one if it seems like it will be a frequent happening and our team needs directions on it.

But when the stakes are high, sometimes I get stuck.

I’ve noticed usually it is unfamiliar territory, an emotional decision, or when something is pricy or challenging. I think you’ll agree that it’s reasonable to pause and think at these times, but how long is too long to ponder a decision? How do you know if you are thinking things through or delaying the decision because you don’t want to make it?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because I am an analytical person. I will think through pros and cons and I appreciate consultation and discussion as part of the decision making process. But sometimes, I know I’m just delaying. I’m seeking another opinion to stack on the scale to justify my already-made decision.

So I’ve thought through some of my hurdles and thought I would “consult” my colleagues and work on solutions to these three fears.

  • Fear of change
  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of being wrong

And I’ve made a game plan:

  1. Be more positive: I’m not exactly a pessimist, but my first thoughts when presented with a plan are what I perceive as holes that need plugged. This is sometimes perceived as being negative, even by myself. I will stop thinking of them as holes and think of them as steps to the goal, and contribute useful solutions to them (instead of just pointing them out).
  2. Think and talk through the worst case scenario. Usually it’s not catastrophic.
  3. Set deadlines for decisions.
  4. Get down and dirty with the fact that I can make mistakes, and that doesn’t mean I am a failure. Jesus take the wheel, that’s the hardest one. I was a straight A student. I do things right. I succeed. It’s hard to look at mistakes as not failures, but opportunities to learn and improve. This is the one I shall struggle with and I am journaling and working on changing my mind regarding mistakes.

What do you do to overcome your inertia when it comes to making tough decisions? How do you push yourself to try new? How do you get over your fear of failing? Please, please share your thoughts.